I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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