If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I puked a lego.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
