I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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