i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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