so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
