I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
