Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
