I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
