Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
