I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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