In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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