Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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