Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
