Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize