Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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