I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
where are my eyebrows?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
