if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
