Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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