how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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