My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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