Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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