just tell him i said nine months
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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