everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
