Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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