so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
