i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
