I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
