Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You pole danced in your parka.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
