I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize