At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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