Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I could fuck to npr.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
