never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
