I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
