I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
