I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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