Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
