There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
