I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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