You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
