I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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