Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You are a genius and a whore.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
