anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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