Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
