I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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