I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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