I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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