come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
