I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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