Soap is not a condiment
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
