i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
