Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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