Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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