Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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