I wish my penis had an off switch
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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