While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
