Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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