he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
