You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
