If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
we're making bets on your personal life
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
