she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
