You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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