I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
