Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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